Where To Begin?The time has come to say -good--bye to our fearless leader, George W. Bush. Here he comes now. How are you, George? This is such an honor to watch you leave office. You're looking good, Mr. President. Haggard and senile, but good. Yes sir, good old Dubya. You always were quick to hand out the nicknames, but we've got a few for you, too: Flubya. Incurious George. Spurious George. Shrub. El Arbusto Pequeño. The Decider. The Commander Guy. Fi--nancial Asset of Khalid Bin Mahfouz. The Texecutioner. Head Cheerleader. -Torturer--in-- Chief. The Kinda Guy We'd Wanna Have a Beer With. Daddy's Little War Criminal. Disaster Monkey. The Illegal Occupant. That Fucking Asshole Bush. The Bogus POTUS. Walker, Texas Danger. DUI Case Number 2342, 09/04/76, Kennebunkport, Maine. We know him by so many names, but the time has come for George W. Bush to pass on the torch of liberty, which he hath dampened with his own pizzle for eight long years. Actually, just give us the torch now, George, we'll take it back to camp while you stay out here alone in this filthy swamp of failure that you've gotten us into.

George W. Bush had America by the nuts for eight years. For those Americans without nuts, allow me to explain what this feels like. The nuts are the source of vim and vigor, providing drive and motivation throughout the entire body and mind. This -nut--generated energy can be used for sexual purposes, of course, to help create the miracle of new life, but can also be applied to work, sport, art, music, finally organizing that unruly sock drawer, and a host of other worthwhile pursuits. These precious twin orbs provide the will to live, but are also extremely tender and sensitive. The clammy hand of George W. Bush clenched around the nuts of America over these eight miserable years first began with excruciating pain, which turned to outrage and panic, and finally led to a numb, dazed, zombielike existence that seemed as if it would never end. George W. Bush squeezed the very life out of America's nuts.

Bush has been the most uncaring, deceitful, arrogant, proudly ignorant, and moronically belligerent president in our nation's history. He managed to embody the viciousness of Richard Nixon, the stupidity of Gerald Ford, the falseness of Ronald Reagan, and the warmongering of Genghis Khan, all disguised by appearing to be as dumb as a slice of Texas toast. But perhaps we -shouldn't be so hard on Bush. After all, he suffers from a rare form of sociopathic speech disorder. This means that whatever Bush says, he in fact means the reverse of it. For example, when Bush says "peace," he actually means "war." When he says "freedom," he means "extended tours of duty." When he says "patriotic," he means "treasonous." If you knew about Bush's speech disorder and were able to translate his words with his condition in mind, your blood pressure probably stayed a little more stable over the last eight -years---a good thing given the cost of health insurance nowadays.

As these words are written, in the fading light from the dying embers of the Bush's presidency, there is one burning question that leaps to mind, addressed to the next generation of Americans: Is the country still standing? Kind of? Or are armed personnel carriers rolling through the streets, with Darth Vader--styled riot cops guarding the supermarkets, staring down shuffling queues of rapidly thinning consumers as they wait for their weekly rations of Doritos Collisions-Hot--Wings--and--Blue--Cheese--Flavored Tortilla Chips"? That is the overwhelming emotional state of angst and paranoia that living under the shadow of Bush has given -us---that the sky could really, truly fall at any time. Not since the...

MIKE LOEW is a contributor to The Onion and the author of two previous books, Tough Call and Citizen You! He lives in Brooklyn, New York.

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